A little while ago I was diagnosed as having clinical depression. Something I can't just square my shoulders & deal with the way I'm used to dealing with everything else in my life. Clnical depresion means my brain is sick in essence. (quit laughing!!!!)
Tonight is a bad night.
I have no idea why this night. nothing happened to set it off or anything like that. But I feel so bloody alone and so lost. I feel like I am unworthy of love and sympathy unless there is something icky going on, but then when something bad IS going on I start to feel like I'm whining. I feel so isolated sometimes. I know I should feel greatful, blesed, lucky eben.
I have a gorgeous & charming 3-year old, I have friends who care about my greatly (though sadly they are many miles away), I have a roof over my head, some food in the house, clothes for my son & I, a stable & reliable job ...
But I feel sad. I feel like bawling, but there's another part of my brqin that scolds me for feelign that way.
I feel like I'm constantly at war with myself. Second-guessing myself, criticizing myself, never gentle or kind to myself.
I can't muster the energy to get out much & sometimes answering e-mail seems a chore. I push myself to do these things anyways & sometimes it helps for a while & other times it makes not even a dent.
It's like living in a thick fog.
*SIGH*
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